Too many losses

Too many losses

When confronted to give a straight answer to some of my questions, I can see now that my father seemed to have had bits of truth strewn in for good measure. I knew that one of dad’s children from his first marriage had to be adopted because public records showed his daughter and son were only 5 months apart in age. My niece was able to confirm that actually both of his children were adopted at birth.

I kept thinking back to when I had asked my father about the young woman that came to grandpa’s door and his heartless response, “Oh, she was just adopted.” An insulting mind-set considering I was too, if that’s really how he felt. I don’t believe so.

My niece’s grandmother (my father’s first wife) had painted for her granddaughter a more gentle-caring side of a man who must have truly loved his other daughter. Although, it was such a bitter-sweet glimpse of a father-daughter love, I knew they had shared a more intimate, stronger bond than dad and I ever did. Theirs started on the day she was born.

As my niece was retelling me the poignant story about her mother’s beginnings, I was sad for the woman that had given birth to her daughter as well, in having to make such a difficult decision to place her for adoption. In a sense, she had lost her child twice…forever to serious mental illness.

I could feel my daddy swooping me up in his protective arms again, as a little girl, after falling out of a tree, as my niece spoke. “Grandpa had waited all night at the hospital because the birth mother was having a change of heart about whether she was going to keep her baby or not. In the morning, Grandpa, a man tall enough to “touch the moon,” had walked home proudly holding his new baby daughter close to his heart.”

Going on with our conversation, my father’s granddaughter noted, “Grandma said mom was challenging while growing up, but no obvious mental health issues, until she had married at a young age and was trying to raise two small children. I don’t know if you know much about Schizophrenia, but they tend to be very bright individuals. Grandpa and my mother shared a love for playing the piano and both were very intelligent.”

I knew then for sure that I wasn’t the daughter he never had. I felt like the underdog. My father had been grieving for his losses, too.

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  • I love this part of your story. So filled with emotions and yet so caring.

  • I’m sorry for his loss, your loss, his daughter’s loss, your niece’s. So much loss.

    And yet, you seem to be telling an uplifting story of resilience.

  • Joan Sparks says:

    I love the fact that you are sharing your story – it tells me you are getting stronger to want to share all of this. It is a beautiful story about not ever giving up on yourself. It can teach all of us a lesson.

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  1. Well written! Thanks for sharing I really connected with this one. Peace and Love!
  2. So sad, what a terrible experience. and I know it was only one of many for you. Love you friend!!!
  3. This fills me with sadness: “No child should have to continually try to make a parent love them.” What a tragedy that your mother was not able to accept love from you. My guess is that deep down, she didn’t feel lovable, and she had to cover that shameful fact up with a bunch of br…
  4. It’s insane that these findings were made but nothing was done about it. All these years later, you are still waiting for the wrongs to be righted.
  5. I love you❤