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The Unexpected Christmas card …

The Unexpected Christmas card …

lonely bearSome of my friends have been posting that the holidays are hard … Christmas time brings back memories of loved ones that have passed, broken families that can’t be fixed, difficult struggles, etc. I can so relate and sympathize with each of you personally and I am sending you big hugs.

I thought I was going to breeze through Christmas this year until I received an unexpected card in the mail today. Nope, not from my younger birth brother, or a picture of my maternal grandmother liked I had hoped for. I am still not giving up on that :).

The Christmas card was from one of my adoptive mother’s sisters; we haven’t spoken in over six years, ever since my mother died. I still remember those times when I was a little girl and being shuffled out of state from one of my mother’s relatives to the next for extended periods of time. These families were a fun and safe place for me when my adoptive parents were going through awful times in their marriage fueled by my alcoholic father. I held a special place in my heart for each of my four aunts; in a sense they felt like my rescuers.

Even as an adult, I still needed my aunts to be a part of my life but with no conditions – I wanted to be fully accepted, loved and respected without needing to be a member of their church or to be blood-related.

No one could possibly imagine how difficult it was to have been my adoptive mother’s daughter. I got the brunt of whatever was going on inside of her. Like both of my brothers said on separate occasions, “Mom sure didn’t like you all that much!”

Please just for a minute try to put yourself in my shoes. I was raised by an adoptive mother who undeniably had some serious personal struggles. And as far back as I can remember my close-in-age adopted brother was also fighting his own demons. There was a part of me that always felt somehow to blame for not being able to fix either of them. Both caused me a lot of shame and embarrassment over the years.

For anyone to insinuate or gossip about possible reasons for our family’s dysfunction, and state my adoptive mother had to be the victim in all this when she was verbally and emotionally abusive is wrong.

I too was grieving the losses of what I did not have and would never have – a loving mother/daughter relationship.

All of us can make excuses for a relative’s bad behavior and poor choices in life, up to a certain point, but when it hurts many others year after year, one would hope a caring individual would take a stand, especially when it involves children that weren’t supposed to be theirs in the first place. Sadly, my adoptive mother’s own sisters weren’t exempt from her unkindness, but as it turns out blood was still thicker than water in the end.

I am not about carrying a grudge, but I don’t know if I can set aside my hard feelings and possibly get hurt again. Please be praying. God is the only one who can help me figure this one out because I sure can’t.

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  • Lorene Fairchild says:

    Everyone needs some “balcony people” in their lives to cheer them on and provide some respite. I’m glad you were able to have some positive experiences with your adopted aunts.

  • Someone in your place should have been loved unconditionally by her adoptive mother AND her family. She should never have been treated as “less than” or “to blame.” Adults are supposed to protect and support children. Period.

    Sending you loving thoughts.

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  1. Well written! Thanks for sharing I really connected with this one. Peace and Love!
  2. So sad, what a terrible experience. and I know it was only one of many for you. Love you friend!!!
  3. This fills me with sadness: “No child should have to continually try to make a parent love them.” What a tragedy that your mother was not able to accept love from you. My guess is that deep down, she didn’t feel lovable, and she had to cover that shameful fact up with a bunch of br…
  4. It’s insane that these findings were made but nothing was done about it. All these years later, you are still waiting for the wrongs to be righted.
  5. I love you❤