In the Driver’s Seat

In the Driver’s Seat

grandmom1

A 38-year-old mother of three children sat in the passenger’s seat of the car. She exhaled against the pain of each contraction while massaging her protruding belly. As she made the long trip to the hospital, who was in the driver’s seat? Her fall from grace supposedly had been a well-hidden secret.

However, someone helped her down the dark rural road, that day, toward the lights of the big city, for she didn’t drive. Staring down the bumpy road, much like the one life had paved for her, what was in her heart on that 145-mile journey?

That special day God had planned for a new life to be brought into this world was my birth day, June 4.

My first mother passed away when I was a little girl. At only 8 years old, I wonder if there was a part of me that felt a silent twinge of loss one more time. Did her arms ever ache for me, this child that she had cradled within her for 9 months?

Often, I see the reflection of her unselfishness in the precious gift of life—in the difficult choices women are faced with that have no easy answers. I know the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ was in the driver’s seat that day, helping a troubled soul find direction and purpose in her life.

Unfortunately, after I was placed for adoption at birth, my childhood never magically turned into one of those happily-ever-after adoption stories. There have been times that the little girl in me has truly needed my birth mother to hold me once more. I couldn’t possibly put into words the emptiness I have felt in my heart from years of lies, secrets, and lack of respect.

I am trusting God, again, to be in the driver’s seat to help me find closure and healing, as I finally put my first name on my only birth certificate that still lists me as my first mother’s child. I have a hard time asking others for prayers, but on my birthday this year, I hope you will smile and say, “God must have certainly had a plan!”

Love, JoAnne

“And I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them.” (Isaiah 42:16 NKJV)

I feel honored to be a part of the Blog Carnival. Please go to Bridget Chumbley’s site http://www.bridgetchumbley.com/ to read other blog entries this week or to join.

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20 Comments
  • Lynn Mosher says:

    JoAnne, You always manage to touch my soul. My heart breaks that you did not have a childhood that you cannot look back on favorably. I know that the Lord has eased a lot of the pain. He is always there to comfort you. And you are welcome to be a part of our family any time you decide! Love you!

  • jasonS says:

    Heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. Thank you for being open and I praise God who is Healer and Restorer. Blessings…

  • blogomomma says:

    He shall never leave me nor forsake me – and when we search for the answers and they don’t come we question everything.

    Take heart my love for it’s not how we start but how we finish. The longing will be, but will never define who God made you to be. … a tender precious heart.

    With Love !
    LC

  • Glynn says:

    We all want to be the one in the driver’s seat, and somehow we never really are. We want to “control” to stop the hurting and the ache, and we really can’t. More than anyone else, He wants us.

    Great post, JoAnne.

  • Kali says:

    You just keep writing & we shall keep reading. You have a voice. Happy early birthday by the way :~)

  • Val says:

    My heart is with you my friend. beautiful Blog… When you find yourself in the driver’s set…keep your eyes on that narrow road. Break into the curves, accelerate out of them, and maintain a relaxed grip on the wheel. Focus on the finish line and remember, “The car goes where the eyes go”. So…Keep your eyes on Jesus.
    Love you bestest!

  • kali says:

    You keep writing & we shall keep reading. You have a voice!!!

    Happy early birhtday wishes to you :~)

  • Sue says:

    Thank you for sharing the most tender moments of your life. May God bless you as you begin a new year of life. May this year bring you much peace and happiness.

  • Thanks for sharing this, your courage, your heart…very touching. I too have a similar upbringing…this Scripture has always ministered to me.

    When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
    Psalm 27:10

    Blessings,
    Jay

  • tricia says:

    I am CERTAIN God had a plan. May you have the best birthday ever. May you be surrounded by people who love you and remind you of God’s love for you.

  • Bridget says:

    Oh JoAnne, your story is so heartbreaking… I know that you are a blessing to many, and what you share on your blog is helpful to others who may be hurting as well.

    I will continue to pray for you, my friend.

  • Irene Watson says:

    Touching. Being a Mom of an adopted son, I always have a spot for anyone that is adopted. Each one has a different story, a story that is solely his or her own. Thanks for sharing yours.

  • Oh God has a plan—definitely. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story!

  • Theresa says:

    I’ve often wondered the same thing.

    As well as the drive home.

  • Roz says:

    Excellent, JoAnne, very touching! That song “Jesus Take the Wheel” comes to mind!

  • Mimi says:

    What a powerful and positive reframe of your life story! This is my favorite, thank you for sharing it with us.

    Mimi

  • Lori says:

    Beautiful story JoAnne. You have grown so much this past year, both personally and creatively. Please keep going. I know how theraputic writing is for you. Beautiful story!

  • JoAnne, I’m familiar with much of your story, yet every time you write about it, it touches my heart all over again. Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and for sharing with others. Your faith in Christ is truly an anchor, and you’ve blessed me all over again by this post.

  • Sometimes it is hard to know that, in spite of the difficulties we faced, God was in control and would redeem them. I have had to rely on that so many times, and know that’s what you did and are doing — and the results will bring blessing to many b/c you will have an understanding of what it means to deal with those emotionally undercut events in life, and you will be able to continue to share how HE has made a way for you. Blessings….

  • Amy says:

    JoAnne,

    Your story is inspiring, and your blog is amazing. I absolutely love it! Thank you for sharing your perspective as an adoptee and for being so open with your thoughts and feelings. The way you tie your faith in Christ into your writing is something I thoroughly enjoy about your blog. Looking forward to reading more…

    Blessings!

    Amy Hutton

    Jeremiah 29:11 – ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’

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  1. Oh, I am so sad for those girls. To have lost you once because of their mother’s decision, and then to have lost you again because of their own short-sightedness. They really missed out. I’m sorry you did, too 🙁
  2. So sad, what a terrible experience. and I know it was only one of many for you. Love you friend!!!
  3. This fills me with sadness: “No child should have to continually try to make a parent love them.” What a tragedy that your mother was not able to accept love from you. My guess is that deep down, she didn’t feel lovable, and she had to cover that shameful fact up with a bunch of br…
  4. It’s insane that these findings were made but nothing was done about it. All these years later, you are still waiting for the wrongs to be righted.
  5. I love you❤