JoAnne

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A Giant Leap of Faith

A Giant Leap of Faith

WORD OF WARNING: Don’t go with me to find the perfect card!

If I ask one of my daughters or my husband if they want to go shopping, they always want clarification first.

“You don’t need to find a card, right?”

Let the truth be known — Hallmark and I have a strong bond. I can spend literally hours reading through the different sentiments to see which one fits any of my family or friends to a tee. No wonder my husband has no problem renewing my online greeting card subscriptions. Having the opportunity to write stanzas for cards is on my bucket list.

Trying to breeze through Mother’s Day is a giant leap of faith for me. Someday, I know that the complicated loss of my adoptive mother, and learning my birth mother passed away when I was a little girl, won’t hurt quite as much. But as of yet, the card stores and I are not on the best of terms during this time of the year. At any cost, I will avoid all Mother’s Day commercialism.

When I was growing up, I would pick out for my adoptive mother what I thought was the most perfect, beautiful card. With hopeful anticipation, I would watch as she opened it. Invariably she would say, “That’s nice. But you don’t really mean it do you?” Then I would see only her biological child’s card sitting out on display with mine nowhere to be found.

I have come a long way in my journey and knowing my truth. But, yes, at times, I do still feel this indescribable sadness and disappointment in my heart. No child should have to continually try to make a parent love them. I missed out on what real love feels like from a mother.

When I can write my feelings of loss in one last perfect card for my late adoptive mother, I know I will have finally found forgiveness and closure.

Where could I have turned for help?

Where could I have turned for help?

And all this nonsense started because my parents would only say my birth certificate was “missing.” For over 30 years, I begged someone to please tell me…

Once upon a time …

Once upon a time …

The hospital where I was born freely gave me a copy of my disturbing-looking birth records, where it noted that as a newborn I had been discharged…

Pause and Rewind

Pause and Rewind

October 23, 2012 “Bursting into tears, I remember feeling like we all do at times, “I was just a number again, not a human being.” Downtrodden by…

Moving Mountains

Moving Mountains

Ever since I was a young girl, I believed I could move mountains that would change the world. My long-time friend, Cathy, died back in 2008 from…

Mother’s Day 2016

Mother’s Day 2016

I’ve been thinking about my mother who gave birth to me. We missed out on getting to know each other. Searching for her in my late 30s,…

Our Given Name

Our Given Name

They must have known I lost my name and wrote this clever, fun book for once-little girls just like me. Maybe I could write my own book…

Two mothers

Two mothers

I am assuming she must have done something very bad. However, for a brief moment that we made eye contact as two mothers, it didn’t matter. While…

Take Your Pick

Take Your Pick

When I was searching for my birth father, the old-timers mentioned three separate names as possibilities. None of the people I contacted seemed to be positive about…

Outside the Lines

Outside the Lines

As a young girl, I can’t remember spending any time being creative. I am not even sure I ever had a box of crayons or a coloring…

  1. So sad, what a terrible experience. and I know it was only one of many for you. Love you friend!!!
  2. This fills me with sadness: “No child should have to continually try to make a parent love them.” What a tragedy that your mother was not able to accept love from you. My guess is that deep down, she didn’t feel lovable, and she had to cover that shameful fact up with a bunch of br…
  3. It’s insane that these findings were made but nothing was done about it. All these years later, you are still waiting for the wrongs to be righted.
  4. I love you❤
  5. I hope you are able to find more on the first chapters of your life. How twisty things became when people had to hide things…ugh. Sad.